The Venetian Twins by Nick Enright

Author:Nick Enright
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Currency Press

SCENE FOUR

Street. ZANETTO chases ARLECCHINO.

ZANETTO: Okay, Arlecchino, this is the last straw. You’ve stolen my money and my jewels, and I’m going to blow this whistle and call the police.

ARLECCHINO: I gave them to you!

ZANETTO: I’ll count to three, and if you don’t tell me where they are, I’m going to blow this whistle and the whole place will be crawling with cops. One –

ARLECCHINO: I gave them to you in the street.

ZANETTO: Two –

ARLECCHINO: Have you gone right round the bend?

ZANETTO: Two-and-a-half –

ARLECCHINO: Don’t call the cops. I’m innocent.

ZANETTO: Three.

He blows the whistle.

See, here they come.

No-one comes. ARLECCHINO and ZANETTO exit and run on again exactly as before.

ZANETTO: Okay, Arlecchino, this is the last straw. You’ve stolen my money and my jewels, and I’m going to blow this whistle and call the police.

ARLECCHINO: I gave them to you!

ZANETTO: I’ll count to three, and if you don’t tell me where they are, I’m going to blow this cop and the whole place will be crawling with whistles. One –

ARLECCHINO: I gave them to you in the street.

ZANETTO: Two –

ARLECCHINO: Have you gone right round the bend?

ZANETTO: Two-and-a-half …

ARLECCHINO: Blow the whistle.

ZANETTO: Two-and-three-quarters –

ARLECCHINO blows the whistle. An ACTOR enters improvising the role of POLICEMAN.

ZANETTO: Police?

POLICEMAN: Apparently.

ZANETTO: You’ve got to arrest this man because he’s my servant, and he was supposed to bring some jewels and a purse from Bergamo but he’s stolen them.

ARLECCHINO: Oh, this is diabolical.

POLICEMAN: Sorry.

ARLECCHINO: You’re sorry? My Mum’s in tonight.

The POLICEMAN drags him off.

ZANETTO: Oh. And bring the jewels back when you find them. [To audience] They were my uncle’s, you know. He gave them to me on my deathbed. Yeah, that’s right.

BEATRICE enters.

BEATRICE: My dearest. Have pity on me.

ZANETTO: Eh?

BEATRICE: Do not leave me, I implore you. I have risked life and honour for you.

ZANETTO: For me?

BEATRICE: Yes. I love you. I worship you. You are my entire life.

ZANETTO: You like me?

BEATRICE: I adore you. I beg you, give me your hand.

She is at his feet.

ZANETTO: Are you having a bit of trouble getting up?

BEATRICE: The hand of a husband. Do not deny me my one wish.

ZANETTO: What’s that?

BEATRICE: Give me your hand.

ZANETTO: You can have them both if you’ll let go my pants.

FLORINDO enters.

FLORINDO: [aside] Damnation. Tonino has found Beatrice.

BEATRICE: Ah! We have a witness. Signor Florindo!

FLORINDO: At your service, Signora.

BEATRICE: Will you witness our betrothal?

FLORINDO: Of course, I would be delighted. Could I have just one word with the lucky man?

ZANETTO: [to BEATRICE] Don’t go away. I’ll be back in a flash.

FLORINDO: Aren’t you being a little hasty?

ZANETTO: I dunno. She’s a lot keener than the other one.

FLORINDO: The other one?

ZANETTO: In there, the old fella’s daughter. She wouldn’t do it on the spot like this one.

FLORINDO: You wanted to marry the Judge’s daughter?

ZANETTO: I had it in writing.

FLORINDO: In writing? Yet now you want to marry –

ZANETTO: This one. Yes.

FLORINDO: But you can’t.

ZANETTO: Why not?

FLORINDO: This isn’t Turkey. You’re only allowed one wife.

ZANETTO: Okay, then. I’ll have this one.

FLORINDO: But the Judge will have you arrested.

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